


Forever doesn’t matter

by blastintoorbit



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, But mentions of Death, F/F, Nobody Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:48:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26950906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blastintoorbit/pseuds/blastintoorbit
Summary: “Happiness isn’t forever, people aren’t forever. And I’m okay with that.”
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul
Kudos: 20





	Forever doesn’t matter

**Author's Note:**

> tw // illness and mentions of death 
> 
> if you are not comfortable with any of that please don’t read this ^^

It’s December.

The prevailing winds carrying frozen water droplets rattled the window that was left open hours ago. She refused to let any of her limbs out of the protective layer of warmth beneath her blanket. Any closer to the edge and the cold will seize to bite at her skin. The tiny knocks on the glass becomes louder, with moisture spilling in as the winter air carries on with its invasion relentlessly. This made the person indoors groan and climb up from the comfortable nest that she was sleeping peacefully in minutes ago.

She put her feet down on the floor. The cold seeped through the fabric of her socks as she stumbled her way towards the windows. She made a mental note to buy thicker socks. As her body came nearer, the icy wind jolted her awake, her arm instinctively shielding her face from the intruder as she pushed herself against the invisible enemy. Her arms stretched out fast for the handles and retreated just as quickly. With a slam, the room was finally free from the obnoxious sounds of the outside world. 

Sooyoung grazed her skin with her sleeves, wiping away the water on her face. A sneeze. Then she felt the mucus building up in her nose. She let out the biggest sigh, and trudged towards her closet to find warmer and drier clothing. 

Sooyoung yelped. The clean water was frigid. She swore she turned on the heater on the way to the bathroom. But she didn’t trust her memory, so she made the extra effort to wrap herself with the baby-blue towel and opened the door. Her teeth were chattering as she scooted towards the other side of the kitchen. 

Things turn out worse when she accidentally stubbed her toe against the leg of the dining table. She cursed under her breath and hobbled towards the nearest chair, the pain throbbing and sending her nerves into overdrive. Beads of sweat form on her forehead, and they would’ve froze in place if it wasn’t for Sooyoung’s face heating up. She was going to become a human popsicle, so maybe having her toe bruised in the most painful way possible didn’t seem too bad. Still, there are  _ way _ better methods to distract herself from this shrewd weather. 

It’s one in the afternoon, and Sooyoung was scrolling through social media mindlessly. She was cuddled up with her blanket on the sofa, accompanied by a hot mug of freshly brewed coffee on the coffee table. She had planned to stop drinking coffee, because at times it will cause her blood pressure to skyrocket, but she couldn’t give two shits about it today. There was nothing left in the cupboards and the fridge was filled with either expired food or cool air. She isn’t hungry, but she just wanted to do something else other than burying her head in work or in her pillow. Thus, she made coffee. 

She was on Instagram when she came across a friend’s, Jiwoo’s, story. 

The story was a short video with her (and Jinsoul’s) other friends, inside Jiwoo’s house. Jungeun was rushing to somewhere with Haseul tailing behind, both carrying pans filled with neat rows of raw gingerbread man. The camera then directed towards Kahei, who was busy with the ornaments on a small pine tree, and Jiwoo, who was behind the camera, was complimenting her for doing a great job on the decorations. 

Right. It’s Christmas Eve.

And Sooyoung wasn't going to celebrate this Christmas with her friends.

She chucked her phone aside, and stirred the spoon in the mug. The ceramic and metal clinked noisily, and with each stir it clinked louder, the spoon circled faster. Sooyoung took out the utensil and set it aside. She gulped the coffee down whilst the liquid was still whirling. It burned her tongue and throat slightly, leaving behind a tingling sensation on her taste buds, but she wasn’t fazed. 

The phone buzzed, and Sooyoung ignored it. It had become a bad habit, she admitted. She knew it was someone checking up on her, and while they have good intentions, it made Sooyoung feel remorseful and guilty. These feelings follow her around like a puppy on a leash, weighing down on her chest like a bag of rocks. She wanted to stop feeling like this. She wanted to stop troubling others. She wanted to stop trying. 

Because she was tired.

But she didn’t know which was worse. Sooyoung thinks, if she gives up, she’s being selfish. Because she will be passing on the pain to her loved ones. Sooyoung thinks, if she went on, she’s being selfish. Because it’s exasperating to care for someone like her. 

Just what is she supposed to do? 

  
  


She got up. Everything started spinning, and the fog seemed like it had trespassed into the house to cloud her vision. The mug in her hand slips and smashes. Her foot steps out to steady her body, and it begins to sting at her sole. (She really needs thicker socks.) But the pain from underneath doesn’t even come close to the pain hammering her at the top. Her head is pounding so much that she was convinced her brain had some sort of hydraulic presser built inside to torture her. 

  
  


The pills. She hasn’t been taking them consistently. 

She doesn’t see why she needs to. 

_ “Five months.” The doctor mutters, as if trying to lessen the impact the words will have on Sooyoung.  _

_ Sooyoung balled her fists, trembling. She has fought for almost a year now, and she had hoped for every day of the year that it’ll get better. But not all battles can be won, and Sooyoung was beginning to realise that she might not be able to make it out alive.  _

It was all black, and she heard muffled voices. 

“She’s awake!” It sounded like someone she knows.

The blinding lights above pierced through her pupils, and she could feel her slow breaths that were fogging the breathing mask covering her mouth. She felt incredibly weak, and breathing became a chore. But she’s alive. She didn’t know if she should be relieved or disappointed. 

_ Jinsoul? _

It was Jinsoul, who was talking to the doctor, who was standing right beside her bed. 

_ Why is she here?  _

The doctor left after a while, leaving both of them alone.

“Why are you here?” Sooyoung whispered, which was loud enough in the suffocating silence.

  
  
  
  


“I… found out why you broke up with me.”

  
  
  


Sooyoung sighed. She knew that this day would come. She knew she couldn't hide it forever. 

  
  


“Jiwoo told you, didn’t she?” 

“She didn’t mean to say it, it slipped out from her mouth.”

And there was silence again. Sooyoung noticed that Jinsoul’s hands were tightly balled, and her knuckles turned white. And she didn’t dare to look at Jinsoul in the eyes. She hates seeing Jinsoul cry.

“Why didn’t you just tell me? You didn’t have to go through this alone.”

  
  


“You deserve forever.”

  
  


“I don’t want forever. I just want  _ you.” _

“And I just want to make sure you will be fine without me. I just want you to be happy for a long time.”

“No! I don’t want forever because there is no such thing as forever. Happiness isn’t forever, people aren’t forever. And I’m  _ okay _ with that. I’m okay with that because I have you, now, in the present, and that’s  _ all  _ that matters to me. You are all that matters. Not forever.”

Sooyoung didn’t even realize she was already tearing up until Jinsoul completely broke down. Jinsoul sat on the chair next to the bed, with her hand covering her eyes as her body trembles. 

And she grabs her free hand gently, surprising Jinsoul. She looked up to Sooyoung. She missed seeing those eyes. 

  
  


“You are all that matters to me, too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I’m currently still on hiatus because my exams starts on the same day as loona’s cb :”) I’m not officially back yet, but I’ll be back to writing more around mid-november. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
